Funnies

Sorcha was lazing on her soft leather sofa, leafing aimlessly through the Sunday papers when she got the call. Her grandfather had died suddenly that morning. He had a good innings, reaching the fine old age of ninety-three. But this salient fact did not lessen the shock for the twenty-something marketing whiz. No longer a church-goer since throwing in her lot with the Celtic Tiger, Sorcha had pushed any thoughts of our collective mortality into the dark recesses of an otherwise capable mind.

Paddy and Mary Murphy had been especially close to their only granddaughter who spent many an idyllic summer in their company as a child. Sorcha sobbed quietly, drawing on adrenaline to talk funeral logistics while asking after her grandmother who was no spring chicken herself. With everything in hand, Sorcha cried off her usual Sunday hob-nob before returning her trendy portable phone to its cradle on the black marble worktop. A woman on a mission, she only needed a quick spruce-up before emerging from the underground car park of her state-of-the-art South Dublin apartment. Sorcha had lots to think about on the three-hour journey to the craggiest of crags in the remotest reaches of the unspoiled West.

As she drove gently over the gravel driveway, the memories came flooding back. The bright red front door of the granite cottage opened expectantly and Sorcha jumped out of her Porsche Cayman to meet her granny’s embrace. It gave them a private moment before joining family and friends who had gathered inside.

“What happened at all, Gran?”, inquired Sorcha, unable to hold back the tears.

“Ah, God help me, my dear lassie! Poor Paddy had a massive heart-attack while we were making love.”

Sorcha was thrown by this matter-of-fact delivery, not fully wise to the ways of the world and still clinging to the Cinderella phase that all little girls must go through.

“Gosh, gran! You silly sausages! What a terribly risky thing to be doing at your age . . . with your high blood pressure and grandfather’s heart condition?”

“Ah, divil-a-bit, child!", her granny retorted, "Sure, didn't we make passionate love religiously every Sunday morning? Nice and aisy. To the sound of the church bells. In with a 'ding' and out with a 'dong'. The elixir of life and good health!”

As Sorcha stood there in stunned silence, her granny drew her closer and whispered in her ear.

“And, between yourself and myself, craythur . . . your poor grandfather would still be in the land of the living if it wasn’t for that feckin' ice-cream van!”

From the usual suspects, sanitized by RVJC .

A woman walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

The sales woman asked, "Just exactly what type of dress are you looking for?"

"A long-flowing white dress with a veil", she responded with assurance.

Not totally convinced, but afraid to offend the woman, the sales lady said: "You know, dresses of that nature are usually more appropriate for brides who are being married for the first time . . . for those who are a bit more innocent . . . if you know what I mean."

"Well", the lady retorted and put her hand on her hip, "I do know what you mean and I can assure you I am as innocent as the rest of them. Despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was a dear sweet man. It was a terrible tragedy actually. All the excitement of the wedding was simply too much for him and he died as we checked into the hotel on our wedding night."

"I'm sorry to hear that", said the clerk, "but what about the others?"

"Well, my second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limousine on the way to our wedding reception. We haven't spoken since and got the marriage quickly annulled."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"Well", the woman replied, "He was a Democrat. And every night for four years he sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

Ronald Reagan, from his last public speech, 1989

The real reason we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: you cannot post "thou shalt not steal", "thou shalt commit adultery" and "thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

George Carlin